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USGN Christmas Special - Santa's Secret!

United States of Geekdom News
Print Edition          December 25, 2011

by JediCole

BLOOMINGTON, NC (USGN) - The popular notion of reciprocating the boundless generosity of Santa Claus each Christmas Eve was shattered this year by a powerful revelation.  For nearly a century the Yuletide ritual of leaving a plate of cookies and a glass of milk out for Santa has been an endearing staple of the season.  This tradition may come to an end due to the discovery of a North Carolina man, David Studdor.

Studdor, the owner of a successful chain of convenience stores and father of four made an earth-shattering discovery early this morning.  His long-standing suspicion that his wife Theresa was having a recurring love affair was exacerbated this week by the repeated airing of Jimmy Boyd's 1952 seasonal hit I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.  Convinced that he had identified his wife's lover this jealous husband lay in wait only to find an even darker secret played out. 

While his family was snugly sleeping an unspeakable act was playing out before the home owner's eyes upon discovering Santa in his living room.  That right jolly old elf produced a miniature version of his famous toy bag from his belt into which he dumped the contents of a tall glass of eggnog and all but one of the oatmeal raisin cookies that the family had left for his enjoyment.  As Studdor watched in mute horror and disbelief Santa proceeded to crumble a portion of the final cookie onto the plate before depositing the balance in the bag.  With a wave of his hand the receptacle containing  the offering of treats disappeared into thin air.  St. Nick then set about placing gifts under the tree and into the carefully hung stockings at the mantle before rising quickly up the chimney with a single nod.

"At first I was kind of shocked that I actually got to see Santa in person", Studdor told USG News, "and I had to stifle a laugh when I saw him despite trying to keep quiet!"

Studdor went on to explain that the exoneration of his wife's perceived indiscretion was stricken from his thoughts at the sight of Kris Kringle creating the illusion that the snacks left out on his behalf were actually consumed. 

"I knew it was late but I had to tell somebody.  I called my brother Al in Kansas and told him what happened.  The more we talked the more we started to realize that something always seemed fishy about the cookies and milk each year."

USGN staff contacted Allen Studdor of Roeland Park, KS who spoke of half eaten cookies that had "kind of fakey looking bite marks in them" left behind in years past.  Our investigations have turned up many an alarming number of such anecdotal stories of Christmas past.  Michael Mendez of Stockton, NJ recounted even more telling evidence on his Facebook page.

"When I first heard about this Santa not eating cookies thing from my next-door neighbor I thought it was one of those internet hoax things.  But it got me thinking and I remembered last spring when I was sweeping out the fireplace I found a bunch of old cookies piled up under the ashes.  I thought it was the the kids but now I am wondering."

The internet has been responsible for speeding this breaking news around the world faster than Santa's own reindeer convey him on his yearly rounds.  Outcry worldwide has been pronounced with even the Vatican promising an official pronouncement from Pope Benedict XVI as early as Sunday morning.  Cornell University Folkloric Anthropologist Sela Marlowe has been quite vocal on this subject.

"Like many enduring figures that have risen from mythology and folk tradition into contemporary popular culture", she said at an impromptu press conference this afternoon, "Santa [Claus] suffers from cultural perceptions foisted upon him by such outside sources as authors, song writers, and advertising executives.  Historical texts make no mention of a reindeer with a biolumiescent nasal aberration for example.  As for Santa's diet even less is known.  He is an immortal.  Do we even know what they eat?  Perhaps the food gifts we offer him are deadly poison to one of his unique metabolism.

While Dr. Marlowe's theories are scoffed at by some as knee-jerk defense of the North Pole's most famous resident, others have similarly rallied to his cause.  A Chicago area dentist who claims a past close association with Father Christmas spoke to the USGN under the condition of anonymity.

Altered File Photo
"When I knew him Santa was always pretty set in his ways.  He would spend about half the year slimming down to a healthy physique and then the balance bulking up to the more familiar "bowl-full-of-jelly-like-stomach form of girth that people expect of him.  Loading up on carbohydrates and fats is important when gaining is the goal, but come December 26 it's back to a strict regimen of diet and exercise until the middle of the next year.  Do you think for a moment Santa would eschew a 24 hour last minute snack feast?"

Others have called into question the veracity of whistle-blower David Studdor's claims regarding the alleged wasting of snack offerings.  Suggestions abound that discovering St. Nick was living up to his title by not engaging annual adultery left an embittered Studdor to find some other fault with the man in red.  And more than one blogger has launched an investigations that have revealed that Santa's accuser is part owner of a surveillance camera manufacturing firm leading many to suggest this whole story is a ruse to increase after-Christmas spy cam sales.

Debate will undoubtedly rage for some time, but Watauga, Texas resident Mary Lou Shackleford had this advice for Mr. Claus.

"If you didn't like cookies before you had better damn sure start liking them now because everyone will be watching you pretty close come Christmas 2012!"

Addendum:  Just before this article was to go live on our website the USG received an impassioned email from the Yes Virginia Foundation of New York asking that we not run this article.  Their plea went on to say that the task of maintaining a strong belief in Santa Claus  has become increasingly difficult in recent decades, a phenomenon that is the very foundation of the Christmas icon's existence.

At the USGN we believe in the importance of journalistic integrity.  As a result we chose to run this article as written because our belief in this tenet of journalism is not yet a practice.  However, that is at the forefront of our New Year's resolutions so future articles and broadcasts from the USGN will adhere strictly to such a high standard.

Cole, you rock!

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